A Stranger in the Mirror

Ever wake up some days, look at your life and wonder how on earth you've become that person starring back at you in the mirror? You suddenly realize that you are a different person from the person you thought you'd ever be?

I had one of those moments this morning, a "who am I?" moment. Looking in that mirror all I saw was a stranger, and that stranger made me feel oddly uncomfortable. As I tried to determine why I've suddenly become a stranger to even myself, I realized it's because I see things within me that I never thought I'd see. I see sins, attitudes, desires, thoughts, dreams, feelings, needs, wants, pains, joys, strengths, weaknesses - and nothing I see there, both the good and the bad, really matches the "Andrea" that I ideally hoped or planned to be by Monday Nov 28/05.

Here's the big question: Is being the person I hoped to be at this point in my life as important as being the person He has refined me to be or is refining me to be today? Does truly surrendering all of my plans to Him mean having to constantly be surprised when I see that "stranger" in the mirror?

Perhaps the uneasiness and disappointment I feel today has nothing to do with not being able to recognize that "stranger" in the mirror and more to do with my unwillingness to surrender and ultimately accept His plans for me and my life.

My audience of One

Today as I sat in my car singing, praising God I was filled with such joy!! I really have so much to be thankful for. On top of it all, How awesome is it that I have a God who I can sing to whenever I please!!!! A diva really couldn't ask for a better audience. He's always there - focused, ready to listen and respond. I don't have to arrange for a concert hall with great acoustics, I don't have to force Him to buy a ticket, I don't have to do any vocal frills or trills to keep His attention. I don't have to put up any fronts, wear any masks, hide behind any characters. I don't even have to put on a fancy shmancy gown to look the part . . . . Although I'm sure it wouldn't bother Him if I did.
Maybe I'll do that tomorrow - put on one of my opera gowns and give a lovely little recital for the only audience that truly deserves my all, my very best - my "audience of One".

Audience of One
I'll be content to serve an audience of One
For only His approval counts when all is said and done
And this is my prayer, when the race is finally run
I want to hear "Well Done"
From the audience of One.

I'm overjoyed to serve an audience of One
It's what I've been created for ever since day one
And this is my song, as I bow before Your throne
I love to hear "Well Done"
From the audience of One.

So this will be my prayer, 'til the race is finally run
I want to hear "Well done, " I long to hear "Well done"
I want to hear "Well done"
From the audience of One
- Greg Ferguson

My Heavenly Father

So there I was lying on the floor after collapsing outside my parents door in the hallway. And as I woke all I remember wanting were my parents. I called out to them and they came running immediately. As they surrounded me - as my Mom held my head and soothed me, and as my Dad tried to calm me with words of comfort, I just knew that no matter what happened they wouldn't leave me. As I lay there, dealing with the physical pain, there was no doubt in my mind that they loved me. I was scared and I wanted the pain to go away - I wanted so desperately to be in control. But in my weakness I had no choice but to depend on them and trust that they would make the right decisions for my health and well being.
As I reflect back on yesterday morning and all that I experienced in that helplessness, I am just so thankful for my parents. Even more overwhelming is what a beautiful representation my earthly parents were of what my heavenly Father is to me always.
So often in my life, when I am in a position of panic, fear or confusion my only reaction is to call out to Him, my Father, and when I do He is immediately there holding my head, soothing me, providing me with words of comfort. When I am helpless and scared His love is so apparent. And when I so desperately want to be in control, I often have no other choice but to depend on Him, knowing and trusting that He will make the right decisions for me.

Oh Father, all I can do today in my weakness, is call upon You. Your love for me is so apparent. I put my entire trust in You, I surrender, knowing that this situation is completely out of my control.

What do I have to fear?

Here I am imagining all possible worst case scenarios. Thinking about how I would cope if my life were to crumble. And so I've found myself strategically beginning the construction of barriers around my heart- barriers to protect me from the pain that could come from from a risk taken in faith.
How ridiculous!! What do I have to fear?? I have already experienced the worst of the worst. I spent 22 years of my life in complete and utter darkness. Absolutely nothing could ever be worse than NOT knowing Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.
NOTHING!!! - no matter how difficult, scary or painful - will ever be more dark, more dangerous, more deceiving or more destructive than walking in the outskirts of hell.
I need to constantly remember that He allowed me, in His perfect omniscience, to walk in that horrible darkness for 22 years so that I can know for certain now that I have absolutely nothing to be afraid of - for I am victorious in Christ!!
His light is truly the only protective barrier that I need surrounding my heart.

A Loud Silence

He told me to be really quiet, so I sat there last night in complete and utter silence. It was just me and the four walls of my room. The only thing audible was my breath. The time was far from silent though. So much tumbling through my mind, so much to cry out to Him about, so many tears, so much joy. And in the end all I heard was " Be more Quiet and wait, wait for My voice." I don't think I can take another extended period of "quiet time". How could 3 hours of silence have been so loud?

His Presence

One of the most significant things I've been reminded of this past week is that I don't have to call upon Him to come into my presence. He doesn't come and go like the wind and swirl in and out of my life. My God does not wait for little ole me to call upon Him to enter in. I am forever and eternally in His presence. How small of me to call Him to come in when He's already there waiting. Waiting to take me by the hand and guide me, waiting to listen to me, waiting to whisper in my ear, waiting to change me, waiting just to show His eternal love for me - just waiting . . . and waiting . . . and waiting. . . for little ole me to finally turn and set my sights on Him and respond. Who am I that the creator of the universe would wait so patiently?

I am being changed

God is constantly changing me and man oh man is He is working in me now. This week He has shown me things about my very nature. Things that I just don't want to see anymore, and I've come to the point where all I want to do is bail because it consumes my every thought.

Last Saturday I agreed along with Shannon to lead worship at the next> retreat. The decision was something that I should have seen coming, cause God has been speaking to me for a while now about worship leaders and even worship leading myself but I've been muffling the calling by making up a million and one excuses as to why I wouldn't be fit for such a responsibility. Really I was afraid to admit that perhaps He wanted me to take this on. As I talked with Shannon last week and we decided to obey the call He had put on both of our hearts, I felt confident. It made sense for the two of us to plan and lead together.

However less than 5 minutes after we confirmed with Cynthia, my heart started to pound and all I could think was 'what have I just agreed to do?' My feelings of inadequacy just completely shut me down. Why would God call me, someone who is so ill equipped with respects to leading worship to take on this responsibility? Yes singing is my joy, but coordinating musicians, picking songs, sounding less like an opera singer and more like a worship leader etc. What on earth was I thinking? All these lies started popping into my head: "who do you think you are, trying to do this? You lead worship?Ha!" "It's never going to work, look at how much planning is required. all the details - you can't handle that, you've already got so much going on." "You don't have the gifts required for this." "what kind of retreat is that going to be- no get to know you time or fun for you . . " and the list goes on.

I'm trying so hard to fight back. With respect to the missing out on the community building and fun I keep bringing myself back to what Andre Turcotte said at the URCC commissioning a couple of weeks ago. Something like, 'don't miss out on an opportunity to move forward and serve Christ because of the things you're going to leave behind.' In this case I don't want to miss an opportunity to serve Him because of the things I'm going to miss out on. I'm also forcing myself to remember that where I am weak He will make me strong. In many ways Shannon is God's way of saying "see!". Where I lack Shannon is strong. That girl has so much faith, which is really quite a beautiful thing. God has used her faith to lift me up and spur me on.

My natural tendency to worry is taking control nonetheless. Worry and anxiety is definitely one of Satan's strongholds in my life. Worry comes so naturally to me that when I'm not worried I worry. I remember how when we were studying Piper last winter God really showed me how my anxiety can lead to so many other sinful states of mind. God has a way of making His point, more like hammering me on the head with it, cause here we go again. God wants to show me that it really comes down to what Piper refers to as fighting against unbelief by fighting for faith in future grace. I need to drill Matt 6:25-34 into my head and heart cause I constantly have to go back to it. It's highlighted and underlined in every single one of my bibles. says something about my constant struggle with this I guess.

As I sit in anticipation waiting for Him to provide all the details - a team, an order, the time and energy to take on this responsibility or as I wait for yes' and no's from others. The only thing I really can do is wait. Wait upon Him and put my faith in knowing that He has the details taken care of for next weekend. He'll bring the right people, He'll show us the songs to pick, He'll take care of equipment issues etc. He is testing the genuineness of my faith here. And I need to take comfort in the fact that I can not change what He ultimately has planned, nor can I imagine the grace that He will show.

So even though I'm going crazy fighting my tendency to worry, I still find myself praising Him because really He is forcing me to my knees and I have no choice but to open up my ears and listen to what He has to say. I know that I can't possibly do this in my own strength and He is showing me yet again why my tendency to constantly want to be in control is so skewed.

There's no doubt that this is changing me. It's interesting because the theme for next weekend is change. I know one thing for sure - by the end of that retreat one person at the very least will be changed. Being forced to put all of my trust in Him as I lead worship, has and will change me.