Friday, July 03, 2009

The Truth about Divadom - By: Professor Prima Diva Donna

With the latest trend in society to call every walking, breathing woman a diva I feel it my duty to clarify a few things. I'll lay it out there with as much grace and tenderness that can come from a "true, bonafide, certified" Diva . . . I'm sorry to say, but the title "Diva" can not be applied to just any woman.

If we examine the history of the word Diva it was originally a term used to celebrate a woman of outstanding talent, beauty and majesty in the world of Opera. I'm truly sorry to break so many poor little un-diva hearts, but that means that at the very least one must be able to SING in order to truthfully live in the Diva realm. And when I say sing, I don't mean in the shower or at the karaoke bar or even to your wee little children who aren't yet able to comprehend that you are in reality squawking like a dying chicken. The term was used by the Italians to refer to a woman with a truly "Divine" voice. Of course there is a similar word that would refer to male singer, but I for one don't see it as necessary to discuss such nonsense. We all know that great sopranos are also great at everything else including: glamour, mystery, beauty, and radiance. We are certainly worthy of adoration for more than just our great voices, but it really does all come down to our teeny tiny infoldings of mucous membrane that stretch across the larynx and vibrate with such magnificent splendour and beauty.

What I'm really saying here is that if you are going to have the gall to call yourself a diva you must first at the very least be able to perform a death defying stellar cadenza popping all of the high C's,D's etc. with extreme skill and beauty, all the while maintaining your glamorous yet mysterious facade. Of course you also must be a master at several other skills, notably these: the maim and destroy all other sopranos skill, the humiliate your accompanist skill, the conduct the conductor with a death glare skill , the upstage ALL others at ALL times skill, the dump your lover at the drop of a dime skill, the over the top hissy fit skill and so much more. Let's be real, if you haven't mastered any of the skills that truly define a Diva at this point in your life, forget about it! You have no hope. You simply don't have what it takes to ever live up to the title. So stop pretending to be a diva and just deal with being ordinary. . .ordinary is um . . wonderful too . . yes it is! Simply wonderful! I personally wouldn't want to be just ordinary, so I do truly understand the desire to proclaim oneself a diva. I truly sympathize with you from the bottom of my heart if you are really just an ordinary person trying to fill the sparkly shoes of an authentic diva. For the sake of all of the bonafide, certified diva's out there can you please just accept who you are and stop abusing and misusing our rightfully earned title. The term "Diva" can only be applied to those who are truly grandiose enough to own such a divine title. :)