God is constantly changing me and man oh man is He is working in me now. This week He has shown me things about my very nature. Things that I just don't want to see anymore, and I've come to the point where all I want to do is bail because it consumes my every thought.
Last Saturday I agreed along with Shannon to lead worship at the next> retreat. The decision was something that I should have seen coming, cause God has been speaking to me for a while now about worship leaders and even worship leading myself but I've been muffling the calling by making up a million and one excuses as to why I wouldn't be fit for such a responsibility. Really I was afraid to admit that perhaps He wanted me to take this on. As I talked with Shannon last week and we decided to obey the call He had put on both of our hearts, I felt confident. It made sense for the two of us to plan and lead together.
However less than 5 minutes after we confirmed with Cynthia, my heart started to pound and all I could think was 'what have I just agreed to do?' My feelings of inadequacy just completely shut me down. Why would God call me, someone who is so ill equipped with respects to leading worship to take on this responsibility? Yes singing is my joy, but coordinating musicians, picking songs, sounding less like an opera singer and more like a worship leader etc. What on earth was I thinking? All these lies started popping into my head: "who do you think you are, trying to do this? You lead worship?Ha!" "It's never going to work, look at how much planning is required. all the details - you can't handle that, you've already got so much going on." "You don't have the gifts required for this." "what kind of retreat is that going to be- no get to know you time or fun for you . . " and the list goes on.
I'm trying so hard to fight back. With respect to the missing out on the community building and fun I keep bringing myself back to what Andre Turcotte said at the URCC commissioning a couple of weeks ago. Something like, 'don't miss out on an opportunity to move forward and serve Christ because of the things you're going to leave behind.' In this case I don't want to miss an opportunity to serve Him because of the things I'm going to miss out on. I'm also forcing myself to remember that where I am weak He will make me strong. In many ways Shannon is God's way of saying "see!". Where I lack Shannon is strong. That girl has so much faith, which is really quite a beautiful thing. God has used her faith to lift me up and spur me on.
My natural tendency to worry is taking control nonetheless. Worry and anxiety is definitely one of Satan's strongholds in my life. Worry comes so naturally to me that when I'm not worried I worry. I remember how when we were studying Piper last winter God really showed me how my anxiety can lead to so many other sinful states of mind. God has a way of making His point, more like hammering me on the head with it, cause here we go again. God wants to show me that it really comes down to what Piper refers to as fighting against unbelief by fighting for faith in future grace. I need to drill Matt 6:25-34 into my head and heart cause I constantly have to go back to it. It's highlighted and underlined in every single one of my bibles. says something about my constant struggle with this I guess.
As I sit in anticipation waiting for Him to provide all the details - a team, an order, the time and energy to take on this responsibility or as I wait for yes' and no's from others. The only thing I really can do is wait. Wait upon Him and put my faith in knowing that He has the details taken care of for next weekend. He'll bring the right people, He'll show us the songs to pick, He'll take care of equipment issues etc. He is testing the genuineness of my faith here. And I need to take comfort in the fact that I can not change what He ultimately has planned, nor can I imagine the grace that He will show.
So even though I'm going crazy fighting my tendency to worry, I still find myself praising Him because really He is forcing me to my knees and I have no choice but to open up my ears and listen to what He has to say. I know that I can't possibly do this in my own strength and He is showing me yet again why my tendency to constantly want to be in control is so skewed.
There's no doubt that this is changing me. It's interesting because the theme for next weekend is change. I know one thing for sure - by the end of that retreat one person at the very least will be changed. Being forced to put all of my trust in Him as I lead worship, has and will change me.