Repulsion

My time at home has been wonderful! So wonderful that there’s a huge part of me that does not want to go back to Winona Lake. I’ve been struggling with this all week long. In my mind I can acknowledge that Winona Lake is where the Lord wants me to be at this season in my life, but my heart seriously doesn't want anything to do with this part of the plan that God has for my life. If I’m honest with myself I don't care that He has brought me there to draw me closer to Him; I don't care that He will use this time to reveal Himself to me in amazing ways; I don't care that He will change and refine me by stripping me of all that I know; and I don't care that as a result of going I will experience many incredible glimpses of His glory – Almost every ounce of me wants to stay here; I so want to just return to my cozy little life with my family and friends in Toronto, Canada; and forget about the whole Christian Performing Artists' Fellowship, Indiana, USA thing and be done with it.

When I chose to do this internship and as I waited in faith for the work visa never did I imagine that I would be feeling this way now. I have been experiencing such an inner struggle this week and I seriously have been left to wonder about the authenticity of my heart. I am so utterly aware of my selfish nature right now. I hate it, yet I can't seem to help the way I feel. Shouldn't I be excited about going back? Shouldn't I be thankful for this amazing opportunity to be a part of His work? Yet I desperately want to give it all up for the sake of my own comfort.

The way I'm feeling inside reminds me of the simple science lessons from elementary school involving magnets. When you'd put two “like” poles together (i.e two S poles or two N poles) the tension of repulsion would occur. When you'd put two opposite poles together (i.e. a N pole with a S pole) the stability of attraction would occur. Simple. Right now I feel as though God is inviting me to align my heart with His by simply placing the pole before Him that would create attraction to all that He has to offer, yet for stupid selfish reasons I keep trying to align my heart by placing the pole before Him that is causing repulsion from it all.

As I lay in bed last night tossing and turning and calling out to God to take away this major repulsion, He showed me exactly why this is a struggle for me. This tendency towards repulsion is nothing new, it all comes down to me not wanting to give up control of my life to Him. I was so clearly reminded of a dream that I had almost exactly a year ago, involving computer files and a manila envelope. The dream was so powerful that I even wrote a blog entry about it.
http://divasvoice.blogspot.com/2006/01/manila-envelope.html
That darn manila envelope keeps coming up!! He is waiting to reveal the amazing things that He has in store for me in His timing, yet I’d rather choose stupid fleeting computer files that I have already opened because I already know what’s in them.

And so all I can do is pray that by going back to Indiana my heart will somehow be changed; That the strong repulsion I have towards giving up control of my life to the Lord will slowly turn into a strong magnetic attraction to all that is waiting for me in His Manila envelope.