The Manila Envelope

Sunday - All night long it was as though my mind was opening up computer files, the little yellow folder type ones. Each time my mind opened a file something that I have been putting my hope into would pop up in front of me. Files filled with names of schools, summer opera programs, missed opportunities, names of singing teachers, audition dates, photos of people in my life, new jobs, new places to live. Each time a file opened there was a disappointing comment attached. Things like "that's not going to fulfill you", "Not really interested in being your friend." "Couldn't care less about you." "Cause of loneliness." "Will tear you away from your walk with God." "He's just not that into you." I woke up yesterday morning with a strange new perspective on all of my hopes and dreams. Truly letting go of them seemed to be the only thing that made sense . Why would I want all of that? It made me sad though cause now what? What hope do I have for my future plans and dreams? I have opened all the files and most of them have disappointment or hurt attached.

Monday - Again a restless sleep. Tossing & turning. I had a dream. Strangely It felt more like reality. I thought I was awake. It all took place by my bedside in the early hours of the morning, I was lying in bed looking towards the wall and suddenly I saw before me a sealed Manila envelope, that looked to be completely full of stuff. It was just there sort of floating by my bedside. I didn't question where it came from because I knew that God was the one holding it. I didn't see Him, but I knew it came from Him and I don't remember all of His words but He definitely spoke. I looked at the envelope curiously. He handed it to me to touch. It was just a plain sealed Manila envelope I was a little baffled, but as I held it I could tell that there was something wonderful inside. He told me that I could have it, but that I could never open it on my own. I would have to wait for Him to open it for me. I looked at it and touched it again almost hesitant to take it. And then He said, "You can choose this one sealed envelope which I've packed specially for you or you can choose those endless computer files from last night. Files that you have already opened. You can manipulate and edit those files as you please but you will find no satisfaction in them." So there it was before me again, The big question of my life - do I want immediate gratification and ultimately disappointment or do I want to wait patiently as He molds me and shapes me into the woman that He wants me to be so that I can truly be ready to receive all that He has to offer?

Today I found myself clutching that plain Manila envelope to my heart. It's sealed but I have no desire to open it. I don't think I could even begin to imagine all that is inside. I trust that He will open it for me in due time, when I am ready to see and experience all that is inside.

Psalm 25:4 -14

Show me the path where I should walk, O LORD;

point out the right road for me to follow.
Lead me by your truth and teach me,

for you are the God who saves me.

All day long I put my hope in you.

Remember, O LORD, your unfailing love and compassion,

which you have shown from long ages past.
Forgive the rebellious sins of my youth;

look instead through the eyes of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O LORD.
The LORD is good and does what is right;

He shows the proper path to those who go astray.
He leads the humble in what is right, teaching them his way.
The LORD leads with unfailing love and faithfulness

all those who keep his covenant and obey his decrees.
For the honor of your name, O LORD, forgive my many, many sins.
Who are those who fear the LORD? He will show them the path they should choose

They will live in prosperity, and their children will inherit the Promised Land.
Friendship with the LORD is reserved for those who fear him.

With them he shares the secrets of his covenant.