Wednesday, October 04, 2006

I'm ready to lose it.

I'm not entirely sure how much longer I can endure this stagnant life of waiting. I feel that I have no purpose. I’m not making a difference in this world. I sit and watch the time go by. I watch other lives move around me, and I in contrast sit paralyzed unable to move. I'm beginning to feel foolish. I'm beginning to lose hope. I've learned that no one really cares and quite frankly I've stopped caring too. Many whom I thought were friends have shown otherwise, but that I grieved and came to terms with several weeks ago. I'm just not understanding why this season of stale waiting is upon me. I look for ways to occupy my time, but even when I'm doing something that seems to have purpose it still feels as though it is just to pass the time. I'm tired of spending so much time with myself. If something needs to be done before I go, I'm willing to do it. But I have yet to get any clear answers from God. I've cried out time and time again. I've cupped my ear to hear His voice, but there are no concrete answers. How is it that I could be so close to a dream and then only be forced to wait some more? It's honestly beginning to feel like a cruel joke. I'm starting to get angry. I'm beginning to feel slightly depressed. I'm becoming more aware of how little faith I have as I feel it weaken day by day. Have I heard wrong? Have I made a mistake? Should I be making other plans? How long will this last and how long will I be able to endure without completely giving up?

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