A Simple Piece of Paper

It's amazing to me how much a simple piece of paper can come to represent. Today I had to surrender my work visa to the border guard as I crossed the border to come home. I actually got all choked up and started crying when I handed the visa to the guard today. (She probably thought I was nuts.) Of course part of the difficulty in letting it go came from the mere obstacle that it took to get the thing in the first place. Waiting an extra 2 months, it getting lost in the mail and all that drama. My tears weren't really about having to let go of something that was so difficult to obtain. That visa represented for me a journey. A year long journey that God used to change me forever. Represented in that piece of paper is: growth, learning, waiting, faith, faithfulness, courage, disappointment, endurance, perseverance, truth, revelation, cleansing, pruning, pain, trust, discovery, loss, grief, loneliness, sacrifice, love, direction, fear, encouragement, uncertainty, praise and healing. I felt as though I was leaving all of that behind in such a concrete way today, but as I thought about it I realized that really I was leaving nothing behind at all I was really taking so much of an abundance in blessings home with me.

MasterWorks

Wow! I can't believe that I'm back in Winona Lake, rehearsing like crazy with what is soon to be almost 250 other Christian artists for the MasterWorks Festival. After an entire year of thinking, praying and helping to make this festival happen it's so awesome to see it all come together. There's something that God really wants to do here and these past few days I've been reminded of why it was that I quit my job at home and picked up and moved to nowhere Indiana back in November to be a part of this.
God is doing some big things in the hearts of those who have come especially in mine. He has been doing some major healing in my heart which I honestly found to be quite hardened after all that I experienced during the internship. 4 weeks ago I returned to Toronto, with bitterness and anger towards God, about several things but mostly about how nothing about my doing the internship made any sense. I didn't understand why He would have uprooted me only to leave me to deal with disappointment, indecision, depression and a great sorrow. I was not looking fwd to coming back to Indiana to do the MasterWorks opera, even though it was a great opportunity for me musically, but in only 4 days I am aware of how He provided the opportunity to come back so that I would be open to healing. It has only just begun, but I am hopeful that I may leave Winona Lake this time feeling encouraged by all that the Spirit will speak to me and teach me in the next month.

Blossom Time

The Magnolia tree outside of the office is starting to bloom. Ever since I arrived here in Novemeber I've been waiting for the day that the tree would blossom. Whenever I walk by the tree I'm always reminded of this quote by Anais Nin:

" And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

I suspect that when I arrive back here after Easter, the tree will be in full bloom. I can't wait.

Valentine's Eve

What does a house full of beautiful single women do on Valentine's Eve?

Why we sit and eat chocolate from little heart shaped boxes of course.

Tc=(5/9)*(Tf-32)

It's freezing cold here. For the past few weeks that's as descriptive I've been able to be when it comes to describing the weather. Whenever somebody here tells me what the temperature is outside, it means nothing to me because it's always in fahrenheit. My car has a thermometer that reads the temperature in centigrade (which makes 100 times more sense than the fahrenheit scale!:), but I won't have my car back until the end of the month, so I finally gave in this morning and looked up the formula for converting Fahrenheit into Celsius. Wow it really is cold out there!! -32C. Makes sense why we were bundled up so well before leaving the "foy-UR" at the Chestnut house last night. :)

tears

This seems to be a real season of tears for me. In the past 8 months I've probably cried more than I have in my entire life time combined. I'd say that since I decided to do this internship I've probably cried enough tears to fill a few oceans, and today being no exception. I'm at the point where I really wouldn't mind going a few days without shedding some tears, but things just keep coming up and it's like all I know how to do is express how I'm feeling by crying. I cry in my office, I cry in my bed, I cry in the shower, I cry while I'm singing, I cry at church - I'm like a leaky faucet that won't turn off, and it's rather ridiculous. I'm thinking of calling the waterproof mascara people and offering to be their teary eyed test subject. At the very least I may get some free make up out of these uncontrollable leaks.

Going lug nuts

My roommate Meaghan graciously offered to drive me to Wal-mart last night so that I could do my grocery shopping, since my car is officially undrivable. As we made our way down the street here in Winona Lake Meaghan noticed that her car wasn’t driving the way it normally did. She kept saying "I think the alignment is off." Soon after we found ourselves out on the street, peeing our pants from laughing so hard as we stood staring at the flat tire on her car. We literally sat for a good ten minutes laughing hysterically before we took action and called for help. After my big car wreck on Sunday we could really only find humor in the situation.

After several attempts to get a hold of someone, We finally got in touch with our intern buddy, Sadler, who claimed that he knew how to change a tire. When he finally came to the rescue, he took one look at the tire and said: “You know something, I don’t really know all that much about cars. You better get it towed.” It was probably the best plan of action given that the lock on Meaghan’s trunk was frozen and the spare wasn’t really accessible. So there we were Meaghan, Sadler and I sitting in the freezing cold ’93 Corolla trying to decide what to do. Sadler casually pulled out several power bars and an orange (which He tends to store in His pockets . . . you'd have to meet Sadler to understand that him having a store house of food in his jacket pockets is a just another thing that makes Sadler a unique creature:) Sadler began munching away as he patiently waited for Meaghan and I to stop peeing our pants.

When I was able to compose myself I pulled out my CAA card and attempted to order a tow truck. My first call somehow ended up at the AAA in California! They then proceeded to transfer me to the Chicago AAA, who then transferred me to the AAA in Michigan. One would think that the most logical transfer would have been the local AAA in Indiana, but who knows how these crazy Americans work:) Really I felt sorry for the AAA representatives. As I was on the phone I couldn't control my little fits of giggles. They were really so patient with me. I finally lost it altogether and had to hand the phone over to Sadler when the Michigan AAA lady asked me if the car had locking lug nuts. How on earth would a diva know what a lug nut is, let alone know whether or not they lock? !! :) Those AAA people must think I'm one big crazy lug nut:)

Stuckman's towing finally showed up at around 11 and Sadler drove us to Wal-mart so that we could stock up on our groceries since neither of us have a car now. Although under most circumstances car trouble is never amusing, last night was just too funny and really quite a release for me after Sunday’s accident.

Is it worth the cost?

"Ever thought the Great Commission is just too great a cost?"

- Jason Upton (Road to Emmaus)

I've been waking up to Jason Upton's Cd Dying Star every morning for the past week and a half, and every time the line in this song comes up I have to stop - Oh how often I have experienced that exact thought, especially lately as I struggle to establish some sort of home here in Winona Lake. It's hard right now not to reflect on all that I have seemingly given up at home to be here working at Cpaf. I'm trying to focus on all of the blessings, but I still find myself wondering if this was worth what in my mind is a bigger sacrifice than I ever thought it would be.

Attraction

From the Inside Out
(Joel Houston - Hillsong United -United We Stand)

A thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains
Should I stumble again still I'm caught in Your grace.

Everlasting - Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending- Your glory goes beyond all things
and the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
from the inside out my soul cries out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
the art of losing myself in bringing You praise.

Everlasting- Your light will shine when all else fades.

Never ending - Your glory goes beyond all things

In my heart and my soul I give you control
consume me from the inside out.
Let justice and praise become my embrace
to love you from the inside out.

Everlasting- Your light will shine when all else fades.
Never ending - Your glory goes beyond all things
and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
from the inside out oh my soul cries out.

Repulsion

My time at home has been wonderful! So wonderful that there’s a huge part of me that does not want to go back to Winona Lake. I’ve been struggling with this all week long. In my mind I can acknowledge that Winona Lake is where the Lord wants me to be at this season in my life, but my heart seriously doesn't want anything to do with this part of the plan that God has for my life. If I’m honest with myself I don't care that He has brought me there to draw me closer to Him; I don't care that He will use this time to reveal Himself to me in amazing ways; I don't care that He will change and refine me by stripping me of all that I know; and I don't care that as a result of going I will experience many incredible glimpses of His glory – Almost every ounce of me wants to stay here; I so want to just return to my cozy little life with my family and friends in Toronto, Canada; and forget about the whole Christian Performing Artists' Fellowship, Indiana, USA thing and be done with it.

When I chose to do this internship and as I waited in faith for the work visa never did I imagine that I would be feeling this way now. I have been experiencing such an inner struggle this week and I seriously have been left to wonder about the authenticity of my heart. I am so utterly aware of my selfish nature right now. I hate it, yet I can't seem to help the way I feel. Shouldn't I be excited about going back? Shouldn't I be thankful for this amazing opportunity to be a part of His work? Yet I desperately want to give it all up for the sake of my own comfort.

The way I'm feeling inside reminds me of the simple science lessons from elementary school involving magnets. When you'd put two “like” poles together (i.e two S poles or two N poles) the tension of repulsion would occur. When you'd put two opposite poles together (i.e. a N pole with a S pole) the stability of attraction would occur. Simple. Right now I feel as though God is inviting me to align my heart with His by simply placing the pole before Him that would create attraction to all that He has to offer, yet for stupid selfish reasons I keep trying to align my heart by placing the pole before Him that is causing repulsion from it all.

As I lay in bed last night tossing and turning and calling out to God to take away this major repulsion, He showed me exactly why this is a struggle for me. This tendency towards repulsion is nothing new, it all comes down to me not wanting to give up control of my life to Him. I was so clearly reminded of a dream that I had almost exactly a year ago, involving computer files and a manila envelope. The dream was so powerful that I even wrote a blog entry about it.
http://divasvoice.blogspot.com/2006/01/manila-envelope.html
That darn manila envelope keeps coming up!! He is waiting to reveal the amazing things that He has in store for me in His timing, yet I’d rather choose stupid fleeting computer files that I have already opened because I already know what’s in them.

And so all I can do is pray that by going back to Indiana my heart will somehow be changed; That the strong repulsion I have towards giving up control of my life to the Lord will slowly turn into a strong magnetic attraction to all that is waiting for me in His Manila envelope.

Home Sweet Home

home(hōm) n. adj.
a. relating to or being where one lives or where one's roots are;
b. the place where one has fixed his residence, one's settled abode;
c. place where something began and flourished;
d. the place where you are stationed and from which missions start and end;
e. an environment offering affection and security; "home is where the heart is";
f. an environment offering security and happiness;
g. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin;

Yesterday was a day to truly celebrate home. I played "I'll Be Home for Christmas" the entire way up from Indiana. When I arrived in Port Huron and saw the sign above the highway that said "To Canada" I let out a very big vibrato filled AAAAAAAAAh. And as I finally entered Canada, my home and native land, I swear I could hear bells ringing and angels singing:) There's just nothing like being home. Traveling on the 401 with my fellow Canadians ; drinking a cup of Tim Horton's Coffee ( which I discovered yesterday is really not all that it's cracked up to be - I don't know why I craved it so much while I was away); Finally seeing my beautiful niece looking ever so toddler like as she now walks everywhere and says words like "Diva" (no doubt another reason for a very large operatic AAAAAAAAAH!!:) ; chatting and exchanging stories with the rest of the family;. and just enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of home.

I woke up this morning and looked around my room and couldn't help but smile, it's just so nice to be here. Even though I’m home and absolutely loving it, I can't help but recall what I was clearly reminded of on a daily basis over the past 6 weeks - the real meaning of the word home. It’s amazing how despite the homesickness that I felt while in Indiana, it has never been more apparent to me that home is really wherever God has called us to be. The occasions when I felt most at home in Winona Lake had nothing to do with the sights, sounds, smells or people that surrounded me. Feeling at home always involved a deep interaction with the Lord and in most cases an incredible glimpse of His glory and power. God has assured me that no matter where I go in this life, if I have a genuine desire to know and to grow in Jesus Christ I’ll always feel at home.

As hard as it will be for me to head back to Indiana to do my work with Cpaf in January, I feel confident knowing that Jesus Christ is truly what defines home for me. He is the valued place where I find refuge; He is my origin; He offers me security and happiness; He offers me affection; He has defined my mission, and has allowed me to begin it and will end it; it’s because of Him that I am who I am and will continue to flourish; He is my fixed residence; He is where I have a settled abode. He is home.

Come Let Us Adore Him

Last night we performed our monthly Cpaf outreach concert here in Winona Lake. What an incredible blessing it was for me to be a part of such a unique collaboration of artists. I am so in awe of How God spoke last night. He truly used the offereings of each performer to truly magnify Himself. The story of the birth of Christ was so eloquently and powerfully presented in each performance. It really is an honour for me to be collaborating with artists who not only understand the importance of excellence in art, but who also have a firm understanding of what it means to surrender their performances to the Lord as worship. Last night was not just a concert, it was an incredible worship service, one like I've never experienced before. I just hope that the audience sensed the clear and beautiful presence of His Spirit too. I can't wait till our next 2nd Sunday Concert.

"The Big Q-tip"

My first week here has been interesting. Whenever I reflect back to my time here in Winona Lake in 2004, I usually pinpoint it as a time when I finally opened my ears to really hear God speak. It wasn't that I wasn't listening before, but I definitely needed a big cotton swab shoved in my ears in order for all the gunk that was blocking me from hearing correctly to be removed. That’s exactly what God did here in 2004 He shoved that swab in so deep and cleaned out all the gunk. After Masterworks, I was not ashamed of the dreams He had given me nor was I about to stifle them.

After this week I'm convinced that He has pulled out that big cotton swab again. My ears are being cleaned out of some major gunk once again. Maybe I should start calling this place "the big q-tip":) This time I'm really not enjoying it so much. The theme of the week has been giving up my dreams. In many ways I thought that coming here was about that, but clearly He sees it differently. God has been asking me loudly and with great clarity to lay everything on the altar, which indeed is what I strive to do everyday, but I didn't think that He would be asking me to give up, as in forget about the many dreams that I heard Him affirm in me here 2 years ago.

Many of my conversations with others have involved the very topic of giving up dreams. The first thing Dr. Kavanaugh said to me when we sat down to have our initial intern meeting this Monday was "If you want to do this kind of ministry work here or anywhere you have to be prepared to give up all of the plans that you have for yourself." This was inceredible to hear from him because He really is a man who has put those words into action. This was coming from a guy who only 25 years ago was an up and coming symphony conductor but gave it all up to start this ministry now called the Christian Performing Artists' Fellowship.

My roommate Meaghan and I have talked about it over and over again this week, she seems to be hearing similar things from God. Meaghan lead our worship night last night and taught us this song. It sums up very clearly what I've been struggling to genuinely say to God this entire week. I’m not sure if my heart really means it yet, but In comparison with His thoughts, His words, and His love and all that He is in my life, giving up my dreams should really be no sacrifice.

No Sacrifice
- Jason Upton
To You I give my life
not just the parts I want to
To You I sacrifice
these dreams that I hold on to.

Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life.

To You I give the gifts
Your love has given me
How can I hoard the treasure
that you designed for free

Because Your thoughts are Higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine.
Your love is stronger than mine.
This is no sacrifice

Here's my life.

To You I give my future
as long as it may last
to you I give my present
To you I give my past.

Because Your thoughts are Higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine.
Your love is stronger than mine.
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life.

First impressions

I finally made it to Indiana yesterday. This is so not what I imagined it to be. Talk about culture shock!! It could just be adjustment issues like living in a small town, being around artists who live and work by their own schedules, having to still figure things out - I don't know. I have a feeling though that the visa difficulties were only the beginning of what is going to be an extremely challenging year for me. I think I'm in for some major changes, like the painful peeling off of layers kind of changes. Changes that I'm not ready for. I can't imagine that my first impressions are right, but based on how I've been feeling for the past 24 hrs I'd pack up and drive the 8 hrs home right now. Too bad that I don't have the guts seeing that getting me that work visa caused such a fiasco. Oh God give me strength to endure.

Hallelujah!!

It's Finally here!!! The document does indeed exsist!!!
Praise the Lord!!!

"Are you for real????"

I just sent this prayer letter out. When I re-read it after sending it I couldn't help but break out into hysterical laughter upon reading my first paragraph. I'm sure when people read it they'll be thinking "Is this girl for real????" If I wasn't living it, I don't think I'd believe it myself. Oh how ridiculous this whole visa process has become!! This is the first time I've laughed in days though and as serious as these circumstances are, laughing sure beats crying right now.

Friends,
I am in need of some serious prayer intervention. After months of waiting for the work visa, it finally being approved, and my being sent the official documents last week I was set to leave for Indiana to start my internship this past week; however, more unexpected drama has been added to the picture. Yes, my visa approval document has been lost in the mail!!! It's unbelievable isn't it? The CPAF sent the document registered priority mail 10 days ago with a guarantee of it arriving between 2-4 business days. I expected it to arrive by Tuesday so that I could leave Wednesday, but that was not the case. After several days of attempted tracking, it is nowhere to be found.

I can not even express the discouragement and disappointment I have felt this week. After months of waiting in faith I was finally ready to just give up altogether. This has been so wearing on me, my family, and the Christian Performing Artists' Fellowship. After several discussions with the CPAF, we can only conclude that somebody is trying really hard to keep me from getting to Indiana. After much questioning, intense prayer, and study of the word this week I can say for certain that God does not want me to give up on this internship.

The CPAF has sent their portion of the visa approval document by Fed Ex this evening to arrive by noon on Monday. This is the only original document left. With all that has gone on with this visa so far, I know that prayer is extremely vital this weekend. Please join me and the entire CPAF team as we pray that those documents will arrive safely without any complications on Monday so that I can leave for the States this Tuesday.

Believing God,
Andrea <><

Don't give up

After two months of waiting for the work visa, today was definitely my breaking point. I was sure that today would be the long awaited departure date, but when the visa papers didn't show up yesterday as expected it was clear that I'd be stuck here until the end of the week. When they didn't show up today, I broke down and called the CPAF in tears looking to see what was up. I explained that I knew how ridiculous it is for me to get this upset at this point in the game when after two months I somehow managed to get through everyday with a hope of what tomorrow might bring. We're trying to track the papers but all we know is that they left the US on Sunday and are assumed to be floating about somewhere in Canada. Today I just couldn't be hopeful, the waiting and all the unexpected mishaps with this visa have been so wearing on me. All I can do is think the worst.

I suppose today was the day I finally believed all of Satan's lies and accusations that I have been hearing since I applied for the internship but have managed to push out until now. The accusations of being a complete fool. Giving up my job believing that all things will work out. Waiting until who knows when for a stupid piece of paper that will allow me to go and be a broke intern; will force me to give up my security, my friends, my family, my home and will leave me nowhere but as a struggling artist in the end. The lies that kept telling me that my hope was in vain. The lies that kept saying that perhaps this dream isn't worth the wait.

I got into my car tonight and went for a drive just to get my head in a different place. In my CD player was Josh Groban's new CD, Awake, which my Mom bought for me as a going away gift. Even though he's considered "popera" and all of the hoity toity profs from grad school frowned upon him because he was a sell out, I've always been a Groban fan or a "Grobanite" as they are ususally called. I'm a fan who can definitely appreciate his incredible voice and the way in which he has managed to maintain his integrity as an artist in the pop world. Anyway, as I was driving this song came on, written by a Canadian nonetheless, and I don't know what the writer's intentions where, but it reminded me of why I can't give up. I couldn't help but hear the song from Jesus' perspective.

You Are Loved (Don't give up)
By: Thomas Salter

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
when your heart's heavy, I
I will lift it for you.

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you, I
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved.

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
when you're lost inside, I
I'll be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you, I
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood

Well I can hear you

Everybody wants to be loved

Don't give up

Because you are loved.

This was a great reminder not only that He is there for me when I am weak like today, but also because this is exactly what has fueled my faith these past two months. Getting His message of love to the lost is the reason He has called me to go and do His work at the CPAF. It's amazing how God will use artists to speak to our hearts. After being reminded of His message how could I ever possibly give up?

I'm ready to lose it.

I'm not entirely sure how much longer I can endure this stagnant life of waiting. I feel that I have no purpose. I’m not making a difference in this world. I sit and watch the time go by. I watch other lives move around me, and I in contrast sit paralyzed unable to move. I'm beginning to feel foolish. I'm beginning to lose hope. I've learned that no one really cares and quite frankly I've stopped caring too. Many whom I thought were friends have shown otherwise, but that I grieved and came to terms with several weeks ago. I'm just not understanding why this season of stale waiting is upon me. I look for ways to occupy my time, but even when I'm doing something that seems to have purpose it still feels as though it is just to pass the time. I'm tired of spending so much time with myself. If something needs to be done before I go, I'm willing to do it. But I have yet to get any clear answers from God. I've cried out time and time again. I've cupped my ear to hear His voice, but there are no concrete answers. How is it that I could be so close to a dream and then only be forced to wait some more? It's honestly beginning to feel like a cruel joke. I'm starting to get angry. I'm beginning to feel slightly depressed. I'm becoming more aware of how little faith I have as I feel it weaken day by day. Have I heard wrong? Have I made a mistake? Should I be making other plans? How long will this last and how long will I be able to endure without completely giving up?

My name is on a door

I heard from the CPAF today. No news from homeland security about the work visa yet, but they wanted to encourage me as I wait in faith. The waiting has been as much of a process for them as it has been for me. They told me that they have set up all the little details in preparation for my arrival. They even put my name on the office door where I will be working this year. I wonder if it's a big shiny star sign that says Diva McNeil . . . . I highly doubt it. A diva can dream though can't she? :) That sign may very well be an old crusty little yellow post-it note with my name scribbled on it in pencil, but I really don't care. That sign is enough of a reminder that there is a place for me there. The CPAF team is waiting in faith and they are prepared for the day when God will finalize my trainee visa. I am looking forward to seeing that beautiful little sign on my office door very soon :)

advance

"The closer you get to a divine challenge, the bigger it will seem, and the smaller you will feel. If the signs you are looking for are guarantees of success, you may retreat when you should be advancing. It would be great if the signs from God that we should advance were always things like a perfect situation, all the resources necessary to succeed, or a guaranteed win. Yet if that were the case, there would be no adventure. Besides, that isn't reality. More often the signs pointing us to advance will cause us to assess who we are and who we believe God to be. They will make clear our priorities. Are we in it for what we can get or for what we can give? The signs will expose our hearts, reveal our fears, and unleash our faith."
Erwin McManus - Chasing Daylight

I've been re-reading Chasing Daylight in preparation for the journey ahead. Last week I came to the chapter on Advancing. I found it to be super relevant for what I've been going through with the whole work visa thing. Oddly enough the challenge with the visa has become more of sign pointing me to advance. Chasing Daylight is definitely one of those books that I will continuously refer back to. It's changed my thinking and has inspired me to move and to persevere in faith.