It's simple

About a month ago God really took hold of me and specifically said:
"I want you to just do what you do, be who you are, follow where I'm leading, minister where I'm calling and step out for My glory."
Seemed so simple at the time because those are things that I can do with His help. . . . but boy has it ever become apparent how much I get in the way of all that seems simple.

Falling into Distance

I feel far away.
The distance is long.
The distance is empty.
I've unknowingly created the distance
one millimetre at a time.
And now the harder I try to run towards You
the further away I feel.
The millimetres have grown into Kilometres.
I try to take one step forward
yet I find myself leaping 5 giant steps back.
My perception is skewed.
How is it that You are standing
in front of me,
behind me,
beside me,
around me,
yet all I see and feel is that long, empty distance
between us?

Running Reflections

I've been thinking a lot lately about the great "race" that I have qualified to run. The race that Paul refers to so often in the New Testament. I've been feeling so deflated lately. Just so un-energized. For months now I've honestly been teetering on just giving up on everything "race" related. I'm slowly realizing why, as I begin to examine the vitals that will help me to persevere in the race.

The other day as I was out for my daily run, I was just struggling to get through. This was the week I had to double my running time from the week before. Day one was hard. I was into my last 4 minutes and my knees were aching, my calves were weakening and I was slowing way down and ready to just give up. I then felt the wind on my back and was suddenly reminded of this scene from the movie Facing the Giants. Now, I'm not one to even watch football movies, let alone remember anything from them. And I'd almost forgotten about this scene until it randomly came to mind while I was running. Thinking about it got me through my final 3 minutes.

What a beautiful picture of the Coach who stands beside us cheering us on to persevere as we head towards the finish line.

Mallards

5 years ago today a beautiful mallard duck crossed my path. It was a bright sunny March day, much like today. There was still a little bit of snow on the ground, and if you listened closely the birds were chirping sweet little spring melodies. It was a lovely tranquil morning. Inside I felt far from tranquil. In my heart there was a tremendous weight, the heavy weight that only grief can bring. I didn't know how I was going to get through the day and I just kept praying that somehow God would get me through because I knew that my own strength wasn't enough.

The night before our family sat around the dinner table as my grandmother shared what exactly she had put in my grandfather's casket. She mentioned that she had put in a stuffed animal duck. My sister was baffled. And kept saying "a duck? you put a duck in the casket? why? I don't get it." My grandmother's reasoning made sense to me because I was the one who had given Tutty that duck. It was a stuffed mallard, and I brought it home one day when he was sick, because I knew how much he missed watching his ducks at the cottage. He kept that duck by his bed until he died. The duck represented Tutty's love for nature. My sister felt it an inappropriate gesture nonetheless and ranted about the "duck" for the rest of the evening.

The next morning as my sister and I were walking to the limousine that would take us to the funeral home where my grandfather's casket was waiting for his funeral procession, a beautiful mallard with a glistening emerald head waddled across the snowy path in front of us and then spread his wings and flew into the sky. I was just so amazed that an actual duck would appear out of nowhere. Neither of us acknowledged the duck at that moment because we were trying to be silent, but for me that duck was God's way of saying, "It will all be okay, I'm carrying you." In that moment that duck was a symbol of God's love for me. It gave me hope that I could get through that day. After the day was over my sister asked me if I had seen the duck. She said that she felt as though that duck was a sign from God and that she now didn't find the stuffed duck so odd anymore.

I have to admit, I just can't look at mallards as just ordinary ducks anymore. Anytime I see one, I stop not only to remember my grandfather, but more so to give thanks for the love and faithfulness of my loving Father. The Father who always provides us with exactly what we need in order to give us the hope and the strength that carry us through this life.

Radiate

This is a prophetic piece of art created especially for me by my friend Joy. Unfortunately my photo doesn't do justice to the real life vibrant pastel drawing. I'm not entirely sure what it all means. Joy described some of the images to me and I know that it addresses a part of my heart that needs to see it because I feel absolutely encouraged when I look at it. The only word that comes to mind is "radiate" so that's what I titled it. How amazing is it that God would use His creativity through us to encourage, to heal and to inspire. Thanks Joy for giving me such a beautiful gift:)

The Love of God

The Love of God is greater far

Than tongue or pen can ever tell;

It goes beyond the highest star,

and reaches to the lowest hell;

The guilty pair, bowed down with care,

God gave His Son to win;

His erring child He reconciled,

And pardoned from his sin.

O love of God, how rich and pure!

How measureless and strong!

It shall forevermore endure

The saints' and angels' song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,

And were the skies of parchment made,

were every stalk on earth a quill,

And every man a scribe by trade,

To write the love of God above,

Would drain the ocean dry.

Nor could the scroll contain the whole,

Though stretched from sky to sky.

(Hymn - F. Lehman)

you of little faith

Last night I dreamt that I was drowning. I got out of a small wooden boat, took a few steps on the water and then suddenly sank and found myself under the water struggling to make my way back to the top. All I remember thinking as I raised my hands up to the surface was, 'Jesus aren’t you going to save me?'

This morning as I thought about the dream I couldn't help but think how relevant it was. Yesterday I had a day where I felt like Peter at the point in Matt 14, when as he was walking on the water towards Jesus he saw the wind, became frightened and began to sink. As I continued to think about the dream today, I couldn't help but wonder why Jesus would let me sink and then grasp and struggle like that? Clearly I was like Peter and didn't have enough faith to stay on the water, but would Jesus let me drown? I honestly found myself to be quite angry.

After stewing about it all day, I finally turned to Matthew 14 tonight, to see how Jesus responded to Peter's lack of faith:
Peter said to Him, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." And He said, "Come!" And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and said to him, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" Matt 14: 28-31

Jesus immediately took hold of Peter when he called out to him. Peter didn't even go beneath the water. Jesus caught Peter without delay. That was a good reminder for me that even though my faith seems to be dwindling here day by day and it feels as though I am sinking, Jesus will not let me drown. I have called out to Him over and over and I know that He has already stretched out His hand and taken hold of me .

Clearly my dream is an apparent reflection of my current depletion of faith. How is it that I would come to believe that Jesus would let me drown like that? Now that I have been reminded of the truth, that Jesus has a hold of me and will not let me drown, I guess that leaves me to answer His question:
"You of little faith, why do you doubt?"

Faith means waiting on God

I've been re-listening to a series by James MacDonald on Faith. It's a series on Hebrews 11. There's a sub section of the series called "Faith= Waiting on God." So I pulled it up in my podcasts last night and began to listen. It's no doubt extremely relevant for this season in my life. This week was rough, the waiting seriously got to me. I began to fuss but was quickly reminded as I listened to the series that I have to be careful not to fall into the traps of unbelief that can arise as we wait on God. James MacDonald looks at the life of Abraham as an example of someone who waited in faith. So most of his sermon really comes out of Genesis. J Mac always uses a clear delivery that I can completely identify with. God has given him an incredible ability to just lay it out there- no frills, no trills just truth.

"The no.1 tool in God's tool chest for forming our character is the chisel of waiting."

"Waiting is the process by which God makes us spiritually fit to receive what He has all along determinded to do. God's love is not a pampering love, it's a perfecting love and the decisions that God makes in His sovereignty are for your ultimate good and for the good of His kingdom purposes."

"If you're waiting on God for something, don't you think that God is off some place else, or that somehow everything is in neutral and that you're just flipping pages on the calendar, Not at all!! God is making you spiritually fit to do the thing that He is determined to do in your life!!!"-

- Waiting is not passive or standing still, it's active. Faith allows us and requires us to do things. ( Call of God to Abraham. Everything God promised was about the future, yet Abraham still got up immediately and went - Gen 12)

- Waiting does not mean that we should put our minds in neutral. God is teaching us while we wait. We shold be learning things while we wait on God (Why didnt' God give Sarah a baby earlier? - to heighten the miraculous and to prepare her to recieve.)

Three things we do instead of learn while we wait:
1. Force it. -I'm tired of waiting so I'm going to do it myself (i.e Sarah & Ab brought Hagar into the picture - Gen 16)
2. Fake it. (Ab asks God if Ishmeal can be the descendant to receive the special blessing-Gen 17:18)
3. Fuss about it or get bent. (Sarah laughs in her old age when God tells her that she would have a baby. Gen 18.)

- Waiting is not looking around at the moment, it's looking ahead by faith. It means dreaming a dream for the future and making choices of integrity that will reflect a generational obedience.

- Waiting is not clinging to the promise, it's clinging to the provider by faith. (Ab got attached to the promise, Isaac, the evidence of the miracle rather than the provider of the miracle. God asked him to sacrifice Isaac, to remind him that He must cling to the Provider. Gen 22. ) God doesn't want anything to take his rightful place of priority in our lives. God will not compete. God doesn't want us trusting in the things He has done, he wants us trusting in Him.

"Don't get attached to the way you think that God is going to do it, but always keep your eyes on the Lord. Any place else is a dangerous place to be. Look to the Giver Himself and trust that He will do it His way."

I am thankful to be in a season of waiting. I'm not so much enjoying being "chiseled at" these days :) but I do know that like Abraham and Sarah, He is making me spiritually fit to receive His incredible blessings.

He's gonna do it!

"Lord I know You're gonna do it and I want You to know that You get my vote." - John MacArthur

MacArthur used this as an example in his broadcast the other day when he was talking about praying for God’s will to be accomplished. It made me laugh because it was such an un-MacArthur statement. In light of all that’s going on with the recent work visa issues I find those words to be the perfect prayer right now. Sometimes all we can do in prayer is let God know that we have faith and that we’re on His side when it comes to accomplishing His purpsoes.

I can’t see the full picture right now as to why getting a work visa is going to be so difficult, but I know that God has a purpose in it all. Perhaps it’s to grow my faith and test my heart, or maybe it's to make me fully aware that if I’m going to do His work, I have to fully rely on Him to provide everything I need. Maybe there are reasons that go beyond me - I just don’t know. I do know that I woke this morning with a sense of peace about it all. I will go to Indiana in September. I know that He sees the full picture and that’s enough for me to continue to prepare for the journey ahead.

I prayed MacArthur’s exact words last night. How great is it that we have a God who we can put our full and complete trust in. Right now prayer is all I have. It’s the only thing that is keeping my faith in tact. And I am so grateful that others have joined me by praying in faith and are letting God know that He gets their vote too. I know, He’s gonna do it!!

The Manila Envelope

Sunday - All night long it was as though my mind was opening up computer files, the little yellow folder type ones. Each time my mind opened a file something that I have been putting my hope into would pop up in front of me. Files filled with names of schools, summer opera programs, missed opportunities, names of singing teachers, audition dates, photos of people in my life, new jobs, new places to live. Each time a file opened there was a disappointing comment attached. Things like "that's not going to fulfill you", "Not really interested in being your friend." "Couldn't care less about you." "Cause of loneliness." "Will tear you away from your walk with God." "He's just not that into you." I woke up yesterday morning with a strange new perspective on all of my hopes and dreams. Truly letting go of them seemed to be the only thing that made sense . Why would I want all of that? It made me sad though cause now what? What hope do I have for my future plans and dreams? I have opened all the files and most of them have disappointment or hurt attached.

Monday - Again a restless sleep. Tossing & turning. I had a dream. Strangely It felt more like reality. I thought I was awake. It all took place by my bedside in the early hours of the morning, I was lying in bed looking towards the wall and suddenly I saw before me a sealed Manila envelope, that looked to be completely full of stuff. It was just there sort of floating by my bedside. I didn't question where it came from because I knew that God was the one holding it. I didn't see Him, but I knew it came from Him and I don't remember all of His words but He definitely spoke. I looked at the envelope curiously. He handed it to me to touch. It was just a plain sealed Manila envelope I was a little baffled, but as I held it I could tell that there was something wonderful inside. He told me that I could have it, but that I could never open it on my own. I would have to wait for Him to open it for me. I looked at it and touched it again almost hesitant to take it. And then He said, "You can choose this one sealed envelope which I've packed specially for you or you can choose those endless computer files from last night. Files that you have already opened. You can manipulate and edit those files as you please but you will find no satisfaction in them." So there it was before me again, The big question of my life - do I want immediate gratification and ultimately disappointment or do I want to wait patiently as He molds me and shapes me into the woman that He wants me to be so that I can truly be ready to receive all that He has to offer?

Today I found myself clutching that plain Manila envelope to my heart. It's sealed but I have no desire to open it. I don't think I could even begin to imagine all that is inside. I trust that He will open it for me in due time, when I am ready to see and experience all that is inside.

Psalm 25:4 -14

Show me the path where I should walk, O LORD;

point out the right road for me to follow.
Lead me by your truth and teach me,

for you are the God who saves me.

All day long I put my hope in you.

Remember, O LORD, your unfailing love and compassion,

which you have shown from long ages past.
Forgive the rebellious sins of my youth;

look instead through the eyes of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O LORD.
The LORD is good and does what is right;

He shows the proper path to those who go astray.
He leads the humble in what is right, teaching them his way.
The LORD leads with unfailing love and faithfulness

all those who keep his covenant and obey his decrees.
For the honor of your name, O LORD, forgive my many, many sins.
Who are those who fear the LORD? He will show them the path they should choose

They will live in prosperity, and their children will inherit the Promised Land.
Friendship with the LORD is reserved for those who fear him.

With them he shares the secrets of his covenant.

Waiting

Hardly ever does God go, “Do you want that? Why didn’t you ask sooner? Have it right now.” More often God is like, “You might think you want it now, but I’m going to give it to you when you’re ready to receive it. I’m going to use the process of waiting and trusting to make you into the woman that I want you to be. I want you to wait.” - Dr.James MacDonald

What an absolute fool I have been. My entire life is being spent trying to convince God that I am "ready to receive it" now. Who am I kidding? Clearly He wants me to wait. It's time to stop fighting the process by running around in circles, doing things that aren't ever going to make a difference. It's time to sit, to be silent, to do nothing. It's time to allow Him to do His work. It's time to trust that my God is taking care of everything, preparing me to be the woman He wants me to be while I wait patiently.

lessons in letting go

There's something freeing about having a one sided game of catch with God

I toss it to Him,

He catches it,

He keeps it,

He does with it what He will,

Game Over.

Martin Luther's Definition of faith

Faith is a living, bold trust in God's grace, so certain of God's favor that it would risk death a thousand times trusting in it. Such confidence and knowledge of God's grace makes you happy, joyful and bold in your relationship to God and all creatures. The Holy Spirit makes this happen through faith. Because of it, you freely, willingly and joyfully do good to everyone, serve everyone, suffer all kinds of things, love and praise the God who has shown you such grace.
- Martin Luther

Do I trust Him?

Psalm 9:10

Those who know your name will trust in you,

for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

trust =
1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
3. Something committed into the care of another; custody, care.
4. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one.
5. One in which confidence is placed.
6. Reliance on something in the future; hope.
7. Reliance on the intention and ability of a purchaser to pay in the future.