The Truth about Divadom - By: Professor Prima Diva Donna

With the latest trend in society to call every walking, breathing woman a diva I feel it my duty to clarify a few things. I'll lay it out there with as much grace and tenderness that can come from a "true, bonafide, certified" Diva . . . I'm sorry to say, but the title "Diva" can not be applied to just any woman.

If we examine the history of the word Diva it was originally a term used to celebrate a woman of outstanding talent, beauty and majesty in the world of Opera. I'm truly sorry to break so many poor little un-diva hearts, but that means that at the very least one must be able to SING in order to truthfully live in the Diva realm. And when I say sing, I don't mean in the shower or at the karaoke bar or even to your wee little children who aren't yet able to comprehend that you are in reality squawking like a dying chicken. The term was used by the Italians to refer to a woman with a truly "Divine" voice. Of course there is a similar word that would refer to male singer, but I for one don't see it as necessary to discuss such nonsense. We all know that great sopranos are also great at everything else including: glamour, mystery, beauty, and radiance. We are certainly worthy of adoration for more than just our great voices, but it really does all come down to our teeny tiny infoldings of mucous membrane that stretch across the larynx and vibrate with such magnificent splendour and beauty.

What I'm really saying here is that if you are going to have the gall to call yourself a diva you must first at the very least be able to perform a death defying stellar cadenza popping all of the high C's,D's etc. with extreme skill and beauty, all the while maintaining your glamorous yet mysterious facade. Of course you also must be a master at several other skills, notably these: the maim and destroy all other sopranos skill, the humiliate your accompanist skill, the conduct the conductor with a death glare skill , the upstage ALL others at ALL times skill, the dump your lover at the drop of a dime skill, the over the top hissy fit skill and so much more. Let's be real, if you haven't mastered any of the skills that truly define a Diva at this point in your life, forget about it! You have no hope. You simply don't have what it takes to ever live up to the title. So stop pretending to be a diva and just deal with being ordinary. . .ordinary is um . . wonderful too . . yes it is! Simply wonderful! I personally wouldn't want to be just ordinary, so I do truly understand the desire to proclaim oneself a diva. I truly sympathize with you from the bottom of my heart if you are really just an ordinary person trying to fill the sparkly shoes of an authentic diva. For the sake of all of the bonafide, certified diva's out there can you please just accept who you are and stop abusing and misusing our rightfully earned title. The term "Diva" can only be applied to those who are truly grandiose enough to own such a divine title. :)

A lesson FOR Auntie Diva

"It's so obvious Auntie, they're clearly the same song!"

The lil' Diva taught Auntie an unbelievable lesson yesterday. Did you know that the ABC song as in "Now I know my ABC's next time won't you sing with me" is set to the same tune as twinkle, twinkle little star? How is it that I majored in music and never figured that out?? My 17 month old neice is clearly a musical genius!!!

Lessons from Auntie Diva

(Julia poses with one of her many subordinates:)

Diva Lesson #9

Dealing with our Subordinates

Being a diva often requires having to work with diva wannabes, who although they try, could never match our level of divaness. We must however learn the different techniques on how to deal with those who clearly lack the grace, wit, charm, and cuteness that we so naturally exude.

Tips on how to deal with our subordinates
1. A subordinate observes the way others fall at your feet (especially the boys), and she craves the same kind of attention, which can cause her to act in ways that can be very annoying. If a subordinate ever annoys you to the point where you think you may lose your cool, arrange with the director to have him/her assign "Little Miss. Subordinate" a ridiculous looking costume that makes her look even more subordinate. (see above photo)

2. You may occasionally catch the subordinate secretly trying on your tiara in the dressing room. Simply approach her, smile and politely say, "I'm terribly sorry, but the director asked me to remind you that subordinates generally don't have tiara privileges; however because I'm so nice and really do like you, I will allow you to admire me as I wear my tiara." Then simply snatch the tiara from her head put it on your own and allow the subordinate to ooo and aaaah at your beauty.

3. When being photographed the subordinate will usually be caught in the most unflattering of poses, usually with her mouth wide open struggling with all her might to attempt the same high F that just naturally flows from your voice with such ease and grace. Remember being photographed next to a subordinate, only makes you look all the cuter in comparison. (see above photo)

4. Never feel threatened while the subordinate tries to upstage you in any way she can. Just smile look pretty and work your diva charm. No matter how hard the subordinate may try, next to you she'll always appear second rate. (see above photo)

Having subordinates around us can really only enhance our divaness.
So I say, Bring on the subordinates diva sister!!

Lessons from Auntie Diva

(Julia decides that the king orangutan at the zoo is nice, but not the man for her:)

Diva Lesson #7
How to Choose the Right Man for You

No denying that a diva has many choices when it comes to love (after all we constantly have men falling at our feet begging for our affection:) however, we must learn to choose wisely, as he will very much reflect the kind of diva that we are ( when it comes down to it, it's really all about maintaining our perfect reputation.)

Tips on how to determine if he's the right man.
**Remember: It is always important to look your cutest so that even if he's a "no" you leave him pining away and longing for your love and affection (see above photo). ***

1. Observe from afar. Does he a) have an interest in life? Does he read, play, work, laugh, and think? Or does he b) sit around all day, scratch his head, and pick bugs off his friend's back and then eat them?

2. Get a little closer. Try to strike up a conversation. Does he a) respond to your questions with actual sentences; follow up by inquiring about you; make a few jokes, all the while looking you in the eyes and smiling while he's talking? Or does he b) sit there scratching his head, making the occasional high pitched "ooo eee ahh" noise, and continue to pick the bugs off his friend's back and eat them?

3. Get a little bit more intimate. Ask him out for dinner (or manipulate him to ask you). Does he a) have excellent table manners? Does he say please, thank you etc. Is he kind to your server? Or does he b) sit there scratching his head, slobbering as he eats, dropping food everywhere, and for dessert decide to pick the bugs off his friend's back and eat them?

By this point you should have a pretty good idea as to whether or not he is worthy of being your man. If you answer b) to any of the above and continue to pursue and throw yourself at him - Girl, you've got problems and aren't worthy to carry the "Diva" name :)

Lessons from Auntie Diva

(Julia puts on her glam disguise for yesterday afternoon's diva walk)

Diva Lesson #6
The Art of Being Mysterious
Sometimes a diva must disguise herself in order to avoid constant interruptions by her adoring fans.

Tips on how to be mysteriously adorable
1. Pick sunglasses that flatter your cute little bone structure (see above photo)
2. Make certian that your hat matches your outfit because a diva must always look well put together (see above photo)
3. If a fan catches on that it is you, blow them a kiss then pose for the camera in true diva fashion. (see diva lesson #4 - Mastering the art of picture posing)

Lessons from Auntie Diva

(Julia practices her "puh-wease Daddy" look. Poor Achilles- no doubt he'll always be giving in to the Lil' Diva - how could anyone possibly say "no" to that adorable face? :)

Diva Lesson #5
Mastering the Art of always getting what you want.

A true Diva always gets whatever her little heart desires. Admittedly sometimes the diva must resort to trickery in order to convince others to let her have her way. The "Puh-wease Daddy" look is one trick that is guaranteed to never fail the diva no matter how unreasonable her plea may be.

Tips on how to master the "Puh-wease Daddy" look:

1. Begin by stepping away from the "unconvinced source"(in most cases Daddy) and mess up the hair a little (see above photo). Looking slightly disheveled causes the source to feel more sympathy for you in your sad state.

2. Tuck in the bottom lip in a pouting kind of way(see above photo). Of course you won't actually cry - but if the source thinks that there's any chance that you might they are more likely to give in a lot sooner.

3. Work those baby blues!! Widen the eyes and make them look a little glassed over with sadness, yet at the same time show how much you love your source (see above photo). Bottom line - Use those eyes to melt their hardened icy heart!!

4. Look as adorable as possible, which never proves to be difficult for the true Diva (see above photo) - Let's face it, no one can resist the cuteness that comes with the territory of divadom especially not Daddy:)

Follow these easy steps and you're sure to always get whatever your little heart desires.

Lessons from Auntie Diva

(Julia strikes the ideal diva pose)

Diva Lesson #4

A Diva must master the art of picture posing.

Diva's are often hounded by photographers who are dying to capture a bit of our natural beauty, elegance and radiance.

Tips on how to master the art of picture posing

1. Even if you are fully aware that someone is going to snap a shot it doesn't hurt to look a little caught off guard, it makes for a more natural look. Remember, a diva's job is to give the impression that there's no effort involved in being so wonderful :) (see above photo)

2. Keep in mind that the eyes are the window to the soul. Widening the eyes a little adds drama, and makes us more intriguing :) (see above photo)

3. Making it look as though we are about to sing the most ethereal coloratura cadenza ever is the easiest way of reminding those viewing the photograph of what we do best. AAAAAAAA!! :) (see above photo)

4. A diva must do whatever it takes to look dramatic yet ever so adorable when photographed, even if we are caught with a little drool on our t-shirt :) (see above photo)

Lessons from Auntie Diva

(Julia hangs with Ragedy Ann & Andy)

Diva Lesson #2

Never trust a "fake" red head

(If their hair matches the colour of a candy apple ,

it ain't real honey, trust me! Can we say B-O-T-T-L-E!)

There is always dangerous potential for upstaging by those often insane, looney, somewhat quirky, attention craving crimson headed nut bars. (practice extreme caution especially if their names begin with the letters A-N) Sure they look all sweet with those charming smiles, blushing cheeks and innocent eyelashes, and they'll extend their hands to play any day, but you never know when they'll turn around and try to steal the spotlight away from you. Always have your guard up when interacting with wannabe reds. Don't be too quick to accept their extended hand of friendship (see above photo) Of course if you're a real diva and naturally adorable (see above photo) you really don't have all that much to worry about now do you?

Lessons from Auntie "Diva"

(Julia's first gown)

DIVA LESSON #1

Never ever pass up the opportunity to wear a gown.

Gown wearing is without a doubt one of the most exciting thrills of being a diva!!

5 diva tips on how to pull off the art of gown wearing:

1. Never look too excited when wearing a gown, eventhough of course you're dying inside because of all the crinoline, satin and sparkly. Don't let on though, Play it cool! (see above photo)

2. Make it look as though your gown is the most comfortable outfit you own and that wearing a gown is an everyday occurance for you. (see above photo)

3. A true diva can never go wrong with the colour red. (see above photo)

4. A little bit of faux fur can never hurt a look. A little something sparkly is nice too,

however if you have that natural diva sparkle in your eyes, the extra sparkly is not necessary.

(see above photo)

5. Always choose a gown that says, "I've got flare, so there!" (see above photo)